Si Se Puede?

No One Said It Was Easy Being The First

Going to college is hard, but it's harder when you're the first one.

All throughout my life, my idea of college was limited. My father came to this country when he was a young adult from Mexico, he eventually came to the United States and was able to take some classes at a local community college, studying English, earning his GED and later in life taking some course classes. My mother, never has really mentioned going to school, but I think her education stopped at high school.

In my life, I knew that I would go to college. But never in my life did I think I would attend a university. So when that time came to fill out applications, I was at a loss.

I don't want it to seem like I am complaining about my life because I know, especially in my community, the chances of going to college let alone a UNIVERSITY is almost impossible. I am using this platform, to not complain, but to vent and hopefully find a group, or even just a person, who knows what and how I'm feeling. And maybe we can send and receive help from people that are feeling the same.

Nothing is as Easy as it Seems

From the first time that I stepped at the university, it felt so overwhelming. The people that had come to orientation where people that knew it, they either had family members attend the school, or at least were familiar to the university. So I immediately was hit by a feeling of uncertainty and the notion that I would never fit in or belong. But nothing like that will ever stop my need for reaching my dreams.

I didn't know anyone at the university. Because I came as a transfer student (from a disaster that was community college), everyone that I knew from high school were all scattered throughout the school, making their own life and having their own experiences. I have always been a little shy and anti-social, so reconnecting with them was a little tough. Plus, I was adjusting to life as a student at an university, and they were already pros. But I did make some friends.

None of this is as hurting as the feeling of knowing that you are a burden to your family.

I know that my parents tell me that I am not a burden on this family, I don't think that they would ever say that to my face. But I know that I am. I was able to get a scholarship for one semester from high school scholarship applications, but that was only pennies compared to the amount of money that university costs. My family came to this country with nothing to their name. We don't have a name on a building, we don't own a summer home, we are not made of money. The money that financial aid offers is not nearly enough to pay all of the expenses, but that's another animal. My parents are both factory workers, something that I am not ashamed to say, because of them I have the same work ethic, the same drive and a deep sense of appreciation for them. But I also know that they don't earn much, so it makes me feel like crap when they sacrifice some things in order to live my dream.

Guilt would be an understatement to use as a word that I feel throughout my life. I know that my family does not do this consciously, but I cannot live with myself with the guilt of taking money from them. Even things that I should not take as "guilt-trips" make me feel bad. From the neighbors asking me how my school is going, from family members (I am the first one in my entire family to attend a university) asking how long do I have left until I finish, it is another reminder of how I am somehow unworthy of this.

I sometimes feel like I should have never gone to a university. Sometimes I feel like I should have gone to a trade school or just lived at home until I found someone that I could live with, marry and start a family with. Nothing is wrong with that, but I saw that is not something that I really don't want. I know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to achieve something that I want most in life, a better life. I know my parents always say that I should be the best so that I can have the best, but I hope that they know that almost all of my drive, my passion, my hope, my aspiration, my desires and my love comes from them. And because of that I am going to work as hard as I can to fulfill my dream and to help them. I don't want my parents to work anymore, I want to be able to pay off the house or even have one where they can live with me. My parents came to this country, walking through deserts to make sure that I would have a better life. It would be a disservice if I didn't try to achieve this.

I AM DOING THIS!!!

I should not be scared of failing, I should not be scared of trying, the only thing that I should be scared of is doing nothing, becoming nothing.

In the words of the great Jim Carrey:

"You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love." *

I hope that if you are reading this, you are inspired to do what you want. To take risks and to be whoever it is you want to be. The dream will be attainable, just as long as you believe and hold on tight.

Just remember "SI SE PUEDE!! SI SE PUEDE!!!!"

*See Jim Carrey's full inspirational speech above